Mental health & me

The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs . . . one step at a time. – Joe Girard

SEPTEMBER 2020

I know it’s been a while but I’m still here…… well, what can I say…… These past few months I’ve felt like I was living in hell and it still does. From September I’ve been off work due to severe anxiety. I have lived with anxiety for 5 years but have been able to manage it like any other condition such as diabetes, knowing that there was no responsibility or pressure, but the intensity of what I am experiencing now is so much worse because my life goal is at stake… THE JOB. The anxiety disorder that I’m living with has caused me to think that my job is too much to handle but my family and people who know me say, ‘you CAN handle technology’. The intensity of the technology in my working role has now turned me into a huge technopobe. Not just with work but my own uses of technology and it’s spiralling out of control to the point that I’m even struggling to write this post.

OCTOBER 2020

Now on to the thing that is driving me insane… Those who are supporting me not fully understanding what I’m going through. Over the years I have tried so much expensive therapy most commonly talking therapy and recently hypnotherapy, both have helped to a certain degree but THEY ARE NOT THE ANSWER and I’m still stuck.

I got so frustrated that I have dropped them as they did not understand my condition and I felt that they patronised me.

The therapists made me feel that it was my fault that I have mental health issues and that I wasn’t doing the mental excercises that were recommended when ACTUALLY I’ve been doing them all the time, everyday without fail. These are a few things that have been said to me by some people who were supposed to be helping me:

“You know what to do keep working on it, keep going.” My question – HOW LONG FOR?… to the point where suicide feels like the only thing left. I AM SICK and TIRED OF THE PEOPLE WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SUPPORTING ME INSINUATING that I DON’T WORK HARD ENOUGH OR THAT IT’S MY FAULT THAT I’M NOT BETTER YET.

I am told by these people:

“The longer you’re off sick the harder it’ll be to return to work”.

“Maybe the reason you are more aware and taking more notice of these obsessive thoughts is because you’re bored at home with nothing to do”.

“Do your exercises and after a while it’ll be an automatic thought of relaxation and positive affirmation.” My ANSWER “I’VE BEEN DOING THEM FOR MONTHS and it’s still not automatic.

NOVEMBER 2020

I have been receiving some help from the NHS mental health team. During this pandemic I have been lucky enough to get a face to face appointment with a mental health doctor and a medication review.

She has assured me that I will move forward, my mental health issues won’t last forever and I’ll be in control of my life.. I have now moved to finding self-help books to try to understand the condition I’m suffering from, in attempts to be kinder to myself…. This is the book I’m studying currently for anxiety – Needing To Know For Sure – a CBT- based guide to overcoming compulsive checking and reassurance seeking. By Martin N. Seif, PHD and Sally M. Winston, PsyD.

DECEMBER 2020

We are approaching Christmas with no improvement in my situation. The monthly appointments with the mental health team seem to have disappeared and I recieve no replies from my phone calls. The intensity of my anxiety increases daily and I can get no professional help.

MAY 2021

My employment with the NHS is terminated.

it was the hardest, most heartbreaking decision i’ve ever had to make but i know it was for the best for the sake of my health and the life I want to lead.

JULY 2021

It’s been almost six months since I’ve been able to look at any form of technology, even to the extent of using my smartphone.

I have not had any intervention with either my NHS mental health services nor my GP practice. In desperation I visited a private psychiatrist and at last got a professional diagnosis of my condition, severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and was prescribed Paroxetine for my condition.

This post has been nearly 2 years in the making,

OCD is the new gremlin and main problem. The inner voice battles in my mind “did I shower properly, have I washed my hands after using the bathroom, have I contaminated my tooth brush or my grandma’s if I haven’t washed them (my hands) for a while… That is a real struggle for me that I fear and my heart races with anxiety when entering the bathroom. As I mentioned earlier the OCD I experience has now caused me to become a huge technophobe, the inner voice again speaks saying “have I clicked something?” Have I deleted something or edited something on my laptop or any other device I use? This also happens with paying for things with my bank card online or in shops and supermarkets, “Is this my card that I’m using, does the card I use online have the correct details? I go into supermarkets and after I’ve paid with my bank card I ask my grandma have I paid properly?

It’s been a few months now…. and I’m here but things are well…. meh. I’ve gone back to therapy which is helping a lot, the OCD is still apparent and very much a big deal for me… I have meltdowns (anxiety and OCD attacks) every 2 days and they can last all day.

I have constant battles throughout the day, hand washing, compulsive checking, and technophobic tendencies . which cause self harming episodes due to the frustration of the situation of my mental illness and the setbacks I constantly face, meaning i am unable to return to the place I love most, my voluntary work at The Healthy Living Centre Dartford, In fear of more episodes like those mentioned before and my worst fear, making a mistake..

I am currently puting small tools in place to aid my compulsive checking and muddled, anxious thoughts ie. changing my towel to a different colour to save confusion with other similarly coloured towels, having green coloured shower gel to stop confusion with shampoo, using a floral patterned toothbrush to avoid mixing up with the other one in the bathroom and using a toiletries bag to save me time and sensitivity in the evenings due to tiredness.

I also have got a new more precise diagnosis, anxiety with obsessive symptoms and traits of EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) getting this diagnosis has helped me realise that past obsessive thoughts that I had in the beginning of my mental illness journey are apparent in OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) these were moral and religious forms of OCD, Scrupulosity.

AUGUST 2021 – The beginning of Psychotherapy

This month I began Psychotherapy with Ifield Therapy, UK. I was immediately recommended to read the book, The Man Who Couldn’t Stop, by a journalist called David Adam. I have also read many helpful books on the same subject. I have had to read paperbacks and hardbacks as I still can’t quite get confident enough to read e-books on an app or e-reader device.

I have so far found Psychotherapy exceedingly helpful and it has shown me that thoughts don’t necessarily mean that you will act on them and the mind is very strong. I have also learnt rituals are not necessarily a bad thing as they can help you overcome and cope with situations, I have learnt to be more mindful and enjoy the present moments of life.

JANUARY 2022

These past 6 months have been full of blips and breakthroughs. I returned to my voluntary IT tutor role in September but the blips were too serious to document. I never know what will trigger me but one blip meant a mini meltdown, leaving work without notifying anyone and a trip to A&E..

There’s proof in this blog post that in the words of The Proclaimers I’m on my way (which I play constantly)

I think this post is getting pretty long so I’ll save talking about my therapeutic saviours for. another time.

I hope that writing a new post after this one doesn’t take me another two years to write and post.!!!