I know it’s been a long time. A well-deserved break to figure out where to go with Beinggaby.co.uk. I love writing about my life but i want to write about things more authenticically and happier times rather than being haunted by my past self and the life I thought i had and wanted i want to keep this blog and make it a safe and happy place for myself and the followers to look at past present and future me with a smile.

So… in my absence from both this blog and its dedicated social media. I have having been working on a new project. i might have confused a lot of my readers and followers. I have been writing reviews for tv, film, and writing my own fiction story that I would eventually like to share called Priscilla No ordinary dog. I post my reviews on their own site called gabygeorgena.wordpress.com.

As for beinggaby.co.uk i am going to delete some of the posts that are very triggering to look back on and cause me a lot of anxiety and bring back the blog with a brilliant story time that  was very special which I can’t wait to Share with you all.

This is truly the new beginning and refresh the blog well and truly needed so that i can live and write as my authentic autistic self and hopefully bring light and happiness to myself and anyone who needs it. On a final note if you follow this blog I’d really appreciate it if you would take the time to look at my side project- gabygeorgena.wordpress.com   please

I ike to share my thoughts on the films and tv that entertain me and help others to work out if my reviews would be helpful when choosing what to watch.

I know it’s been a long time since I’ve posted on my blog beinggaby.co.uk and on my social media .I have had a pretty rough year this year. Things have been very stressful and life has changed a lot, but now feels like the time to tell you what’s actually been going on and unmask. After melting down as an adult and countless visits to A&E and being on so much medication, things really needed to change.

The realisation

The realisation started in March of 2023 after 2yrs of being diagnosed with OCD I began exposure response prevention  therapy, which helped a lot, but something still wasn’t right. I had a meeting with the mental health  team where they mentioned about yet more medication for the meltdown. I left ERP as my therapist was very concerned and decided they would refer me to somewhere else to receive more treatment that was focused more on my physical disability, cerebral palsy. 

In August, I began therapy with Disability Plus, where I spoke about the fact that the CMHT(community mental health team) had mentioned the reason for the meltdown could be sensory. What happened next changed everything. 

Not really aware that the term ‘meltdown was an actual term for something that I had no idea could relate to me. I have been experiencing what I call meltdowns for 4years beginning in 2019- 2020 during the pandemic and my paid employment see mental health and me blog series. Not really understanding what triggered them or whether I could tell when they were going to happen. I already have severe anxiety and OCD so things can be a struggle but little did I know something else was lingering in the background. 

Therapy

In therapy I spoke about my mental health and things I struggle with and what my life is like which prompted my therapist to talk about neurodivergence, something of which I had no idea of what it even was although I do know some people who experience this situation.

After our session, my therapist recommended that I watch and read about neurodivergence, specifically autism and ADHD something that personally I had no clue of. I realised from our conversation and recommended research materials that I identified as being on the spectrum, specifically Autism, something which was previously mentioned in a conversation I had with my mum not too long before.

My mum had mentioned that she suspected I was autistic, me who scoffed at this assumption and debunked it straight away, and tried to move immediately away from the  conversation and was unable  to mention another word on the subject until  the first therapy session that I had.

I have learnt a lot about myself and why I behave and have behaved a certain way, learning about stimming, the coke bottle effect and self regulation and the Spoon theory.

What’s the Spoon theory?

The Spoon theory is a metaphor used to depict how much effort (spoons) it takes for an individual to negotiate daily activities.

What is Stimming?

Stimming is a self stimulatory behaviour such as hand flapping, rocking back and forth and repetition of movement or vocalisations.

My experience with Stimming

I have masked for 25yrs not really know what that was and struggled to fit in and have been looking at the world in a way I didn’t understand because I didn’t know a neurotypical world because I myself was not part of that demographic little did I know. Recently though, I have been unmasking and seen an increase in my stimming behaviour specifically loud vocalisations, rocking back and forth and clapping hands

What is the coke bottle effect?

The coke bottle effect is a term that describes a neurodivergent brain masking in certain situations and trying to cope (the stress fizzes up like a shaken coke bottle. The explosion of the coke as the bottle of coke opens signifies a neurodivergent reaction or response to a situation, meaning metaphorically, the coke overflows out the bottle.

Learning acceptance of myself.

I have also been reading and researching autism in a way to discover my true self . I started by reading, I think I might be autistic by Cynthia Kim,  a guide to autism spectrum disorder and self discovery for adults, which I felt was simple yet informative.  The second  i read was Daniel m Jones of Aspie World book, Autism for adults. The next one I read literally saved me and aided me so much with discovery of myself, the book is called Unmasked ultimate the guide to ADHD,Autism and neurodivergence by Ellie Middleton.  This book in particular really resonated with me as it helped me see similarities between myself and Ellie Middleton. Furthermore, learning about the facts and experiences had by late diagnosed neurodivergent individuals and specifically late diagnosed autistic females.

In November, my research took me to another book, Autism feels… by Orion Kelly, an Australian content creator, telling his story of being a late diagnosed, married autistic adult with a autistic son and neurotypical son.

Things that help me manage my condition

My coping mechanisms Include my music and headphones ( Spotify, cassette player and tapes, writing, planning my day. Spending time with friends, watching anime, doctor who, playing video games, and going to my volunteering and other things that I’ll explain more about in the future.

I have also found great comfort by watching and reading about fellow neurodivergent people on social media.

The next step

A.s I await a medical diagnosis, I am on a journey of self discovery of the Unmasked, happier, Gaby I will begin to find out how I can be myself and make a positive contribution to the world that I hope in turn will empower and  allow neurodivergent individuals like me to live as their authentic neurodivergent selves in a world not built for them.

April 2022

So.. I think I’ve got a lot of explaining to do. Where are the promised photos of Bob Mortimer, Paul Whitehouse and Jodie Whittaker. Well I have been on a hiatus hoping to move into Assisted living accommodation with KASBAH (Kent Association Spina bifida Hydrocephalus) to Seabrooke House.

It has been a long process full of mistakes, misinformation from social workers and back and forth phone calls from various important people regarding the what was potential move and the vital topics involved  for discussion.

I documented the journey of packing including pictures of the chosen dolls, plushes and figurines to my Instagram, Beinggaby_

What is Seabrooke House

Seabrooke House is an assisted accommodation for those with special needs mentally or physically. It helps individuals like myself to move to a more independent way of living and teaches residents to try and find ways to  overcome their obstacles and live independemtly learning new skills so they can do this.

Moving day – May 5th 2022

I had an anxious 24hrs as the dread, fear and separation from my Grandma and Binky the cat really hit home. The move went really well, my room was kitted out with all my favourite things, tv, books, posters, dolls, figurines, plushes and  unopened birthday presents

My first bedroom on day 1

For my first week or two it was my job to get to know my fellow housemates and familiarise myself with my new and quite nerve racking surroundings.

After which I started to get involved with daily and weekly chores as part of communal living. each week residents have 2 tasks, The first is on their allotted day to clean the communal kitchen, mop, hoover, clean sinks, stove and hob, kitchen counter sides also empty household rubbish with which I am given support to complete because of my mental health needs. The second is each Thursday for one month housemates have a role to clean certain areas of the accommodations communal spaces. eg. shower room, kitchen, training/ dining areas and lounge. For my first month or so of “monthly task” I cleaned the lounge. by the end of 2022 I changed roles to cleaning the kitchen by which time I decided to combine both my “monthly task” and communal clean” as these were the same task.

July 2022- let’s cook

Each Tuesday one housemate cooks for the rest of the house for our “social meal” and on the 12 July it was my turn. For my cooking I made Slimming World Macaroni Cheese  using  one of the recipe books I purchased before the move.(for more information on my healthy eating with slimming world see a previous post “my weightloss story Slimming world.)

I had great fun making the meal which everyone enjoyed so much that all plates were cleared

During the month I also began cooking with my keyworker some slimming world and cheeky higher calorie meals (at times) each Thursday after my voluntary work  I  batch cooked and froze the meals therefore making them easier, cheaper, quicker, healthy and more accessible for me to eat during the week.

You may notice that I have a favourite which is pasta that includes many vegetables, Yum!

September 2022

During this month I moved bedrooms for the second time after a previous resident moved out. Moving rooms was brilliant but very anxiety provoking as I was moving into a room with an en suite which meant from then on I would have another weekly task, cleaning my own bathroom.

Each Tuesday I clean my bedroom and bathroom which at times I find quite overwhelming but I know that if I need to I can ask staff for extra support with this.

November 2022

During this month I began to attend Zumba with my brilliant new found best friends who live in another KASBAH house. The classes are every Friday which I enjoy participating in as I love dancing and seeing my KASBAH friends.

December 2022 – Christmas

During the month. I decided to purchase a multipurpose trundle wheel trolley that I could use to transport cooking ingredients, food shopping and clean and dirty laundry to and from my bedroom.

Also suring this month was my very first Christmas in my new house. I participated in the secret Santa gift giving along with my first Christmas lunch which was all home cooked by the excellent Seabrooke House staff team.

I also bought my own Christmas tree for my room

January 2023

It’s the start of a new year meaning new goals and things to achieve. This year I would like to be travel trained so i can make a journey independently to Canterbury to visit family. I would also like to buy new appliances so I can further my independence skills for my life along with working hard to conquer and overcome my low self esteem and mental ill health. Let’s see what 2023 brings and takes this blog on new adventures with my audience.

“Of course we should interfere. Always do what you’re best at, that’s what I say.” – Tom Baker, The Fourth Doctor, Nightmare of Eden (1979)

UPDATE

I’m going to be switching things up on here as I want to share more positivity about my life and the things that I’m passionate about.

Doctor Who – Where did it all begin for me

Jodie Whittaker

So I mentioned in my previous post  – mental-health&me part two Therapeutic Saviours,  I am a great fan of Doctor who, specifically the most recent incarnation the 13th Doctor played by Jodie Whittaker.  I have enjoyed the show for many years as has my family but it was in 2018 that the love for Doctor who was reignited due to Jodie Whittaker.

February 2022 – London Comic Con Spring

On February 26th 2022 I attended Showmasters London Comic Spring where I met The thirteenth Doctor Herself, Jodie Whittaker which was an amazing experience she was so sweet and gave an excited “Hi” and the warmest hug ever. I also attended a Talk with Jodie where she spoke about her career. 

November 2022  – London Comic Con Winter

On 20 November 2022 I attended ShowMasters London Comic Con Winter Where I met the Thirteenth Doctor Who, Jodie Whittaker again  but this time with a guest the Tenth Doctor and returning as the fourteenth doctor, David Tennant.

I spoke to David Tennant about my mum’s favourite episode from Doctor Who at the time he played the Tenth incarnation and how I admire him in his Tv version of the book “around the world in 80 days” by Jules Verne.

i also got to talk to Jodie Whittaker about how her version of Doctor Who has helped me through my battle with the mental illness Obessive Compulsive disorder and how much joy her being the doctor has brought to my life.

Doctor who era 2005-2011

I watched bits of the 10th Doctor played by David Tennant when I was 7yrs old then transitioning to watching the eleventh doctor played Matt Smith in my early teen years 2010-11

60th anniversary and 2023 onwards

with the announcement of the 15th Doctor , Ncuti Gatwa in may 2022  who takes over the TARDIS after David Tennant’s return to the show as the fourteenth Doctor at the end of 2023, during the 60th anniversary of the show. meanwhile in November 2022 it was revealed that an actress called Millie Gibson best known from her role in coronation Street, was cast as Ruby Sunday the 15th Doctor’s companion. In December 2022 the costumes for both Ncuti Gatwa and Millie Gibson were revealed on social media. I unfortunately can’t show you these due to copyright but To be honest I don’t like Ncuti Gatwa’s outfit for his iteration of the doctor as it doesn’t look like something the doctor would wear if you were to compare it to previous incarnations. The costume looks very much like something Ncuti  would be seen in for an award or fashion shows, however I really like Millie Gibson’s costume for the companion, Ruby Sunday as it looks very comfortable and easy to wear and practical for Gadding about facing aliens and various other beings on adventures in the Tardis and beyond.

In the lead up to the 60th anniversary and beyond. I will be rewatching New Who starting with Matt Smith as the eleventh doctor because I haven’t watched that incarnation since my teen years as I  mentioned earlier.

December 2022- The non-Stop obsession begins

During this month I have been enjoying the first series with the eleventh doctor, Matt Smith, including his first companions, Amy Pond (The Girl who Waited) and Rory Williams (The last centurion) AKA Amy’s Husband.

Later on I finished the Journey of the eleventh doctor with Rory and Amy. I then moved on to the next Journey of the eleventh doctor featuring his next companion, (The impossible girl, Oswin Oswald) better known as, Clara Oswald, or my favourite Companion from the revival of the show. I Particularly like Clara because she (in my opinion) has  the most interesting and exciting character story arc as when we first meet her as Oswin Oswald in the asylum of the daleks episode she turns out to be a dalek and unfortunately dies (for her first time) We later on encounter her for a second time as her better known self, Clara Oswald, a nanny in Victorian times who is running away from scary snowmen with pointy teeth.

Also in that month I resubscribed to audible where I began listening to The eleventh doctor tales, a collection of audio stories some of which are narrated by the eleventh doctor himself, Matt Smith.  At that time as well Spotify launched their audiobook feature at which time I purchased another collection of audio stories called Doctor Who Origin Stories telling the origins of some of the doctors companions including Ace, Amy Pond, Ryan Sinclair, Yasmin Khan, The Master, Clara Oswald, and many more.

Social media content

I also began posting Doctor Who content onto Instagram under the amended account name from Gaby’s anime corner to galifreyan.anime.gal where on which I post both Doctor Who and anime related content.

While I wait

I am patiently waiting for new Doctor Who Content at the end of 2023. I wonder what merchandise we will see for the show’s upcoming return to our TV screens. I know one thing though. I am very excited to see the new action figures for The 15th Doctor and the companion, Ruby Sunday, although in late 2022 a figurine double pack of the 13th Doctor in her classic who clothes, and the 14th Doctor in his outfit were announced by Character Options a Toy Company in the UK.

Here’s to New Doctor Who Content in 2023 and beyond!!!!

In my previous post, Mental Health and Me, I talked about my mental ill- health, specifically OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and how it manifests itself for me. The OCD I experience is very crippling but I have found some things that help me immensely when times get tough, that I like to call my “Therapeutic Saviours” as I mentioned briefly in my last post and which I’d like to share here.

Some of these “saviours” (distractions) I’ve enjoyed for a very long time ranging from 3+years – 6months or the past year along with those who have aided me in the management of my condition.

THERAPY PROFESSIONALS

I’d like to talk about the helpful professionals I have seen many mental health professionals over the past 7 years of my mental ill health journey but I have had two positive and, in my opinion, life saving interventions from Harley Street Psychiatrist, Dr Robin Lawrence who on 13th July 2021 at long last affirmed that, no, I’m not crazy, I just have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder and I’d benefit from the medication Paroxetine. He also advised me to integrate therapy into my OCD management. . I have to admit that at the time of the consultation I had very many cross words with Dr Lawrence after an immensely difficult conversation but I did calm down and ended up talking about my favourite animal, Cats.

As I mentioned in my last post. in August 2021 I began therapy with Ifield therapy UK and started weekly sessions with Jolanta. This started with a face to face consultation and thereafter sessions online via zoom. Jolanta began by recommending a book as mentioned before, The Man Who couldn’t Stop by David Adam, along with Reasons to Stay alive by Matt Haig and A New earth By Eckhart Tole to name a few.

As of February 2022 we have had 23 sessions over the past 6months of working together. I find our sessions very helpful. It’s a safe space where I can talk about past trauma, my persistent intrusive thoughts, hopes for my future and just how much my family and my gorgeous furry friend, Binky, means to me. Jolanta has taught me that thoughts don’t mean actions and that you cannot govern the thoughts in your mind, which is very comforting to me as my mind goes through so many dark pastures and things I fear the most.

CHURCH

I am a Christian and I find great relief and comfort from prayer and worship of Jesus and my heavenly father. I have been a Christian all my life but it is only in my adult life that I have realised and experienced the riches of being a Christian and the power of Prayer and faith. I have been on many pilgrimages starting out at a very young age from about 4 to 24 years old

TV!

MORTIMER AND WHITEHOUSE GONE FISHING

Over the past year during my OCD battle which has been a living hell. I have been looking for a distraction to help me in the evenings when things can be really tough and I’ve found something that’s done just that.

Mortimer and Whitehouse: Gone fishing. if you don’t know these TV personalities they are both comedians, Bob is best known for his appearances with Vic Reeves (Jim Moir) as comedy double act Reeves and Mortimer in the 90s. Mortimer has also been a recurring panellist on the BBC show, Would I lie to you?

Bob’s fellow fishing friend Paul Whitehouse is best known for being part of the comedy sketch show The Fast Show. Bob and Paul teamed up to help each other learn and share the wonderful hobby that is fishing after they both found kindred spirits in each other after a long friendship, during which they both experienced severe heart conditions and procedures.

‘Gone Fishing’ is such a great programme and it helps me every evening. It is so relaxing watching Bob and Paul go fishing, they have such a laugh and I like that they show the fish they catch and just talk about everyday life. I like seeing the locations they visit and the accommodation that Bob organises and the cooking he does for lunch and evening meal. I became so hooked on the show that I had to buy the book of Mortimer and Whitehouse: Gone Fishing which I also loved and it was a great accompaniment to watching the programme. Watching the show makes me feel like I’m fishing with Bob, Paul and Ted the dog. I’d like to be able to thank Bob and Paul for their great programme and how much it has helped through my recovery and management of the mental-illness I experience. In May 2022 I am seeing Bob Mortimer and Paul Whitehouse live in Colchester where I hope that Bob will sign my copy of his Autobiography, And Away… along with having Bob and Paul sign my copy of the Gone Fishing book. It truly is the most relaxing programme I think I’ve ever seen.

DOCTOR WHO

For about 4 years 2018-2022 I’ve been hooked on Doctor Who featuring The thirteenth Incarnation and female version of the Doctor played by Jodie Whittaker with Showrunner Chris Chibnall.

The stories have been so exciting and so much fun, featuring historical characters such as Nikola Tesla and Rosa Parks to name two. I particularly like how funny Jodie is as she plays thirteen. I continually watch back the series with my DVD boxsets and have a collection of dolls and figurines of the doctors and their companions as well as various villains to look back on. I also have stickers featuring Jodie’s Doctor that I use to decorate the back of my smartphone case. In 2022 I meet Jodie Whittaker at London Comic Con Spring and I will be sharing our photoshoot pictures, in their own special post.

READING

Over the past year during some of my darkest days and times of uncertainty. I Found a new world I could venture into, literature, or in simple terms, a book.

I began with as mentioned earlier in this post, The Man Who Couldn’t Stop by David Adam. along with more therapy books mentioned earlier in this post. I also enjoyed reading, I am C-3P0 by Antony Daniels, ( another distraction) which made me want to watch the original trilogy of Star Wars.)The Spellbreaker duology and The Will and the Wilds by Charlie N Holmberg, one of my favourite authors along with Suzanne Collins author of The Hunger Games trilogy, whose book, The ballad of Songbirds and Snakes I also read over the past year when I was unable to use an e-reader or use any technological device for that matter.

MY VOLUNTARY WORK

I have been volunteering for a local community charity called Healthy Living Centre Dartford for 5 years since 10 January 2017 – see Where I work: The Healthy Living Centre Dartford for more information. To elaborate further for those who don’t know I volunteer as an IT tutor for HLCD teaching the elderly how to use a Computer and other technology devices.

I love volunteering for HLC Dartford, I have so many friends there, my managers are so accommodating and they understand my needs.

I really enjoy teaching my students we have such a laugh and a joke. It is so rewarding seeing each of them succeed in learning what they’d like to about computing and how to work on their devices or how to navigate the internet. I work with my colleague as a team we and he is very easy to talk to if I am not having a good day or struggling a little . If I can’t cope with something my colleague knows or vice versa we can help and learn from each other.

MY CAT, BINKY.

Well, what can I say about my beautiful moggy, Binky, I struggle to actually talk or write about her as she means so much to me and I love her so much.

She is a rescue. I adopted her from a UK rescue Cat Charity, Cats Protection in February 2020, not long after losing my other fur baby, Clancy, – see Mental Health and my love for moggies for more info.

Binky is so funny even at 11yrs old she is very active and playful. It is such fun to watch her play and growl and run around acting silly, chasing her tail or a toy.

She always comes to see me when I call her and is there to greet me when I come back home.

On rare yet wonderful occasions Binky will sit next to me or on my lap all curled up comfortably purring and will then try to bite or scratch me if I try to move.

I enjoy playing and spending time with Binky she is my best furry pal.

I am still heavily reliant on my therapeutic saviours but I know that’s ok and I’m very much looking forward to meeting and seeing some of my saviours in person this year which I will definitely blog about.

I am so happy that this post hasn’t taken me two years to write.

The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs . . . one step at a time. – Joe Girard

SEPTEMBER 2020

I know it’s been a while but I’m still here…… well, what can I say…… These past few months I’ve felt like I was living in hell and it still does. From September I’ve been off work due to severe anxiety. I have lived with anxiety for 5 years but have been able to manage it like any other condition such as diabetes, knowing that there was no responsibility or pressure, but the intensity of what I am experiencing now is so much worse because my life goal is at stake… THE JOB. The anxiety disorder that I’m living with has caused me to think that my job is too much to handle but my family and people who know me say, ‘you CAN handle technology’. The intensity of the technology in my working role has now turned me into a huge technopobe. Not just with work but my own uses of technology and it’s spiralling out of control to the point that I’m even struggling to write this post.

OCTOBER 2020

Now on to the thing that is driving me insane… Those who are supporting me not fully understanding what I’m going through. Over the years I have tried so much expensive therapy most commonly talking therapy and recently hypnotherapy, both have helped to a certain degree but THEY ARE NOT THE ANSWER and I’m still stuck.

I got so frustrated that I have dropped them as they did not understand my condition and I felt that they patronised me.

The therapists made me feel that it was my fault that I have mental health issues and that I wasn’t doing the mental excercises that were recommended when ACTUALLY I’ve been doing them all the time, everyday without fail. These are a few things that have been said to me by some people who were supposed to be helping me:

“You know what to do keep working on it, keep going.” My question – HOW LONG FOR?… to the point where suicide feels like the only thing left. I AM SICK and TIRED OF THE PEOPLE WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO BE SUPPORTING ME INSINUATING that I DON’T WORK HARD ENOUGH OR THAT IT’S MY FAULT THAT I’M NOT BETTER YET.

I am told by these people:

“The longer you’re off sick the harder it’ll be to return to work”.

“Maybe the reason you are more aware and taking more notice of these obsessive thoughts is because you’re bored at home with nothing to do”.

“Do your exercises and after a while it’ll be an automatic thought of relaxation and positive affirmation.” My ANSWER “I’VE BEEN DOING THEM FOR MONTHS and it’s still not automatic.

NOVEMBER 2020

I have been receiving some help from the NHS mental health team. During this pandemic I have been lucky enough to get a face to face appointment with a mental health doctor and a medication review.

She has assured me that I will move forward, my mental health issues won’t last forever and I’ll be in control of my life.. I have now moved to finding self-help books to try to understand the condition I’m suffering from, in attempts to be kinder to myself…. This is the book I’m studying currently for anxiety – Needing To Know For Sure – a CBT- based guide to overcoming compulsive checking and reassurance seeking. By Martin N. Seif, PHD and Sally M. Winston, PsyD.

DECEMBER 2020

We are approaching Christmas with no improvement in my situation. The monthly appointments with the mental health team seem to have disappeared and I recieve no replies from my phone calls. The intensity of my anxiety increases daily and I can get no professional help.

MAY 2021

My employment with the NHS is terminated.

it was the hardest, most heartbreaking decision i’ve ever had to make but i know it was for the best for the sake of my health and the life I want to lead.

JULY 2021

It’s been almost six months since I’ve been able to look at any form of technology, even to the extent of using my smartphone.

I have not had any intervention with either my NHS mental health services nor my GP practice. In desperation I visited a private psychiatrist and at last got a professional diagnosis of my condition, severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and was prescribed Paroxetine for my condition.

This post has been nearly 2 years in the making,

OCD is the new gremlin and main problem. The inner voice battles in my mind “did I shower properly, have I washed my hands after using the bathroom, have I contaminated my tooth brush or my grandma’s if I haven’t washed them (my hands) for a while… That is a real struggle for me that I fear and my heart races with anxiety when entering the bathroom. As I mentioned earlier the OCD I experience has now caused me to become a huge technophobe, the inner voice again speaks saying “have I clicked something?” Have I deleted something or edited something on my laptop or any other device I use? This also happens with paying for things with my bank card online or in shops and supermarkets, “Is this my card that I’m using, does the card I use online have the correct details? I go into supermarkets and after I’ve paid with my bank card I ask my grandma have I paid properly?

It’s been a few months now…. and I’m here but things are well…. meh. I’ve gone back to therapy which is helping a lot, the OCD is still apparent and very much a big deal for me… I have meltdowns (anxiety and OCD attacks) every 2 days and they can last all day.

I have constant battles throughout the day, hand washing, compulsive checking, and technophobic tendencies . which cause self harming episodes due to the frustration of the situation of my mental illness and the setbacks I constantly face, meaning i am unable to return to the place I love most, my voluntary work at The Healthy Living Centre Dartford, In fear of more episodes like those mentioned before and my worst fear, making a mistake..

I am currently puting small tools in place to aid my compulsive checking and muddled, anxious thoughts ie. changing my towel to a different colour to save confusion with other similarly coloured towels, having green coloured shower gel to stop confusion with shampoo, using a floral patterned toothbrush to avoid mixing up with the other one in the bathroom and using a toiletries bag to save me time and sensitivity in the evenings due to tiredness.

I also have got a new more precise diagnosis, anxiety with obsessive symptoms and traits of EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder) getting this diagnosis has helped me realise that past obsessive thoughts that I had in the beginning of my mental illness journey are apparent in OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) these were moral and religious forms of OCD, Scrupulosity.

AUGUST 2021 – The beginning of Psychotherapy

This month I began Psychotherapy with Ifield Therapy, UK. I was immediately recommended to read the book, The Man Who Couldn’t Stop, by a journalist called David Adam. I have also read many helpful books on the same subject. I have had to read paperbacks and hardbacks as I still can’t quite get confident enough to read e-books on an app or e-reader device.

I have so far found Psychotherapy exceedingly helpful and it has shown me that thoughts don’t necessarily mean that you will act on them and the mind is very strong. I have also learnt rituals are not necessarily a bad thing as they can help you overcome and cope with situations, I have learnt to be more mindful and enjoy the present moments of life.

JANUARY 2022

These past 6 months have been full of blips and breakthroughs. I returned to my voluntary IT tutor role in September but the blips were too serious to document. I never know what will trigger me but one blip meant a mini meltdown, leaving work without notifying anyone and a trip to A&E..

There’s proof in this blog post that in the words of The Proclaimers I’m on my way (which I play constantly)

I think this post is getting pretty long so I’ll save talking about my therapeutic saviours for. another time.

I hope that writing a new post after this one doesn’t take me another two years to write and post.!!!

All credit of the original recipe goes to BasementBakehouse.com 

As you may know from an older post My Weightloss Story: Slimming World. I lost over 3 stone in weight by following the regime which meant changing my eating habits to improve my weight, stomach issues and walking ability.

Recently I have grown concerned that I am slipping gradually back into bad habits as I struggle with my sweet tooth and cutting out my past beloved meals whilst still being able to walk well… I stumbled upon a recipe on a blog called Basement Bakehouse.com which I didn’t expected to find as I was actually on the lookout for smoothie and yoghurt ideas that were low calorie.

I’d first like to mention that this blog post that I’m referring to is very old but still I found it very informative and the brownies turned out great despite being a first attempt.

There are many recipes on this blog including pasta meals, cheese cake and the one syn brownie recipe that I’d like to share with you.

All ingredients bought from Sainsburys in U.K.

The recipe is  as follows including the specific ingredients I used

ingredients and quantities –

35g Sweetener

30g Cocoa Powder

3 Free range eggs (egg yolk and white separated)

1 Tbsp (table spoon) self raising flour. I had to put table spoon as I thought some like myself may get confused between table spoon and tea spoon in short hand)

2 tea spoons of Water

To begin heat your oven to 180 ( bullseye) degrees lol

Next Step (2)

Whisk the eggs whites using a mixing utensil of your choice) until they reach a soft consistency meaning that if you were to turn your mixing bowl upside down the contents wouldn’t fall out. I used an electric whisking machine I can’t use a manual whisk due to my disability as my hand gets very tired  and whisking and holding a mixing bowl simultaneously is impossible

Next step (3)

In a separate mixing bowl mix together the next 3 ingredients – The separated egg yolks, the sweetener and cocoa powder until they are mixed  and form a thick, gloopy chocolate paste

Next Step (4)

Now combine the egg white  prepared in the second step with the self raising flour.

Next step (5)

Pour the now mixed together gloopy chocolate paste into an oven safe baking tray of your choice, note that depth and size of the tray is key to help determine how thick you’d like your brownies to be.

Pre oven brownie mix

Final Step (6)

Bake for 20 minutes on Gas mark 4 (180 degrees) then leave to cool

Enjoy 😃 your 1 syn brownies (8 syns in total)

I had mine with satsumas, a mini Vienna ice cream for  1 syn and frozen berries

Cack handed: “Awkward, Clumsy, prone to dropping things” – Cambridge dictionary

I have mentioned my disability in previous posts “Where I Am Now”, and “My Disability Shoes, Laces and an AFO.”

I’d now like to share some of my day to day life experience of living and hopefully, maybe shed light to help others. I am a reluctant leftie as I am supposed to be right handed but my right hand is paralysed, therefore I am forced to use my left which has to do twice as much work and causes me to be extremely cack-handed, see above.

I struggle so much with leisure activities such as playing video games. I’ve loved video games for as long as I can remember, but obviously could never use controls which required two hands. I struggled with handheld consoles like the Nintendo DS because of the size of the screens and where the buttons are positioned on either side. I thought that all was lost until 2 years ago, while at a Youtube convention I got the chance to try out Splatoon2 using a pro controller on the original Nintendo Switch, which you can find out more about in a previous post “Summer in the City 2018.” Two years on and I now own the Nintendo Switch Lite with a Pro controller which is specifically advertised for complete handheld gaming on the go. However, it is also possible to use it on a tabletop using a stand, which is the method I use.

I also enjoy filming my Youtube videos about my doll collection. I have had to buy a tripod for this activity as holding the camera is impossible. Enough about hobbies, I’d like to discuss some real life shenanigans

I have always needed my food cut up, which can be quite embarrassing in company, as I can’t use a knife and fork. However, last Christmas my aunt and uncle bought me a knork that cuts up food such as fish, pies, sausages etc. etc. The knork is very thick but it isn’t sharp, At meal times I also use a non-slip table mat to save me from chasing my food around the table. I have to take this with me when I eat out!!

I have a jar opener which I have recently discovered can also be used to peel potatoes by holding the potato in position so it doesn’t move as I use the peeler. What a faff !!! I think I can safely say that I’ll be buying tinned or powdered potato in the future, that is if I can find a tin opener that can be used by left handed, cack handed people. I have a chopping board which is very good at helping me to make salad and butter bread and toast.

I also have a pair of left handed scissors that I use for cuttng paper, opening my cat’s food pouches and any letters I receive in the post.

Steps and stairs are another challenge for me so much so that without a handrail on the left side navigating them is a huge obstacle. Without the handrail on the left side I am forced to use my childhood method of sitting on the stairs and shuffling down -not very elegant. Even high kerbs can be a problem. It has been suggested by many well meaning individuals that I should use a stick, that is very kind of them but, unfortunately this just isn’t possible as then I would have no hands to use at all 😀

It is known that throughout history lefties haven’t had an easy existence. For example, they were once thought to have been evil and deemed to be involved with the devil. They were also forced to use their right hand by having their left hand tied behind their backs and some were even given corporal punishment. I am very grateful that I didn’t receive this treatment in my generation. I found school incredibly hard without being beaten for being a leftie. At school l had to have a scribe (somone to write for me) for exams. I still need assistance today when putting pen to paper.

Finally I must mention the problems I have when shoe shopping which I touched on in a previous post. What I didn’t mention is that the soles on my trainers have to have “treads” like tyres. Flat soled shoes cause me to fall over when walking on uneven surfaces. This cuts my choice of footwear even more.

Because shoe shopping is always very difficult and dissappointing I find that as I leave the shop with 2 pairs of boring old trainers it gets me down, until recently when I managed to buy some house slippers that didn’t need elastic bands to keep them on.

There must be so many people who struggle with the same sort of problems and I’d love to receive any tips which help one-armed cack-handed people.

Of course all these problems can be used to get out of doing chores such as washing up…. hoovering… cleaning floors…………

“If having a soul means being able to feel love and loyalty and gratitude, then animals are better off than a lot of humans.” – James Herriot

I started this post prior to the catastrophe that is COVID-19 with all the tragic consequences. I didn’t seem to have time to concentrate on my writing, whereas now that I am on lockdown I have all the time in the world. As most of you know I live with my grandmother and we count ourselves among the lucky ones being supplied with all our needs by our family. However, good mental health is something that cannot be ordered for home delivery and I must say COVID-19 is worsening the problems I’ve had for many years.

This is the blog I intended to post before the lockdown

In my very first post I wrote about my on-going battle with severe anxiety and depression. I feel as if I’ve always had these but they have only come to a head in my adult life. I call myself an adult even though most of the time I feel as if I’m a child trapped inside an adult’s body. I am very over emotional, I cry at almost anything whether it’s something positive or negative my mind always finds something to cry about. According to MentalHealth.org.uk: “Research shows cats have a positive impact on mental health. Cats provide a great source of comfort, companionship and motivation for their owners and help reduce anxiety and stress” – and I have definitely found this to be the case.

I find great relief in taking care of my cat, Binky, who I adopted from Cats Protection some 3months ago. I have created an Instagram account for Binky where I share day to day occurences in our life with friends, family and cat lovers. It was with great sadness, heartbreak and loss that I had to say goodbye to my beloved tortoiseshell, Clancy at 12 years old. I was very attached to Clancy, even though she wasn’t really my cat but was my grandma’s. She was my best furry friend, we were always together. She would come to see me when I was sad, make me laugh and I just knew that she loved me no matter what and was by my side.

Some months after losing Clancy, I decided to pass on the love and care i’d given Clancy to another cat that needed a home. I started looking online at Battersea Dogs and Cats home and Cats Protection. I wanted to adopt an older cat so they could have a furrever home. I looked and looked until I spotted Binky, a 9 year old tabby and white, shorthhaired cat from Bromley’s Cats Protection branch. I knew she was the one as soon as I saw her. She is so friendly, loves being around people, loves to play and is such a character. She settled in so well and very quickly became a favourite with all the family.

She has what I call a funny five minutes where she zooms around the lounge very fast, chases her tail, growls and vocalises loudly for no apparent reason😂😂😂😂😂😂 I think this could have something to do with the fact that she is an indoor cat and likes to get rid of her spare energy.

My Binky continues to help, comfort and motivate me every day we are together and she has become my very good furry friend. Binky is always there for me and is a great companion, She loves to sit behind me whilst i’m on the sofa, lick my hair and rub her head against the back of mine. Binky also likes to follow me around and takes great interest in the daily things that I do whether i’m in my room filming youtube videos about my dolls, sitting down on the couch of an evening to watch the telly, or looking at my laptop or tablet.

My mental health issues are definitely the biggest obstacles in my journey towards independence even more so than my obvious physical disabilities.

Thank you Cats Protection for giving me Binky to help me along the way.

Since lockdown Binky has been my constant companion. I am so sad for all the poor souls who have lost loved ones and for the many others confined to their home with no companion at all. I have been hesitating to post this as amid so much suffering and sacrifice my problems seem trivial but hopefully it may strike a cord with others who have mental health issues.